Tact? Where do I download one of those?
Oct. 15th, 2010 09:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nimthirielThere are certain types of communication that I really suck at, and I also suck at using certain communications media. For instance, I'm terrible at writing emails. I'm also terrible at making requests. If you put the two together, you have the potential for social suicide. I've known this for a while, and noticed it yet again with the last couple of emails I sent that were requests for information so I thought it would be worth writing about.
The one saving grace email has is that it allows me to read over what I just wrote and adjust it with relative ease. The first draft will usually look something like this:
>Hi Trudy,
>Could you please let me know when you're coming over to clean the cat? I really do need at least a day's notice.
>Cheers,
>Me
I'll be about to click "send" when I remember that people expect you to first enquire about their wellbeing, so I'll go back and add something to that effect. Then I'll have another read, and remember that I'm probably coming across as rude and quite demanding about having a day's notice, so I'll express my undying appreciation of Trudy's cat-cleaning services; a sentiment which, though entirely honest, does not occur to me to express when all I want is to know what time she's coming over (it's something I'd express after the cat is cleaned, or if she came over at very short notice in an emergency, or if we were talking about the last time she cleaned my cat). I might then remember that letting her know why I need a day's notice would probably help in this situation, so I'll add in something about the fact that I'm actually quite stressed over the state of my cat's coat and want to be sure I don't miss soonest possible time that she's able to use her magical cat-cleaning abilities on my feline friend.
Then, I'll probably wonder whether "Cheers" is an appropriate sign-off for this particular message and spend several minutes trying out all the different ones I can think of to see which one I think might fit best.
The end result is usually something that is either overly formal and business-like or extremely clumsy. I often manage both at once. I actually had a friend comment on how formal I sounded when I was simply asking him about requirements for getting into his line of work, as one of my students was interested in that particular career path. He was quite taken aback because it's so different to the kind of interaction he's used to having with me. I just had no idea how else to word the damned thing.
But this sort of thing also applies to more casual emails were I'm just catching up with someone. I usually just end up mimicking whatever style they use (extremely awkward if I'm sending the first email, because I have nothing to mimic!). They use a lot of smilies? I'll use a lot of smilies! They use a lot of exclamation marks? Well, so will I! It seems to work reasonably well...
Back to my overly formal emails: a big part of my problem is that I really do jump straight to the point. It isn't that I don't actually care about how you are today, it isn't that I don't appreciate what you do for me. Though it may seem otherwise (particularly if you are unfortunate enough to receive a "first draft"), I'm not actually trying to boss you around. I just really really REALLY suck at communicating this kind of thing. It does not come naturally, as you may have noticed if you've ever received any email from me or watched me write one.
I don't think I'm much better at any other form of communication, really. I talked about this in an earlier entry (no idea where it is, so I can't link to it), but my natural order of communication is to first get to the main point of what I wanted to say, then get on with social stuff. Business before pleasure, or something. This is the reverse to what most people seem to do in polite conversation and it means that, either way, it's likely to be awkward for one of us. Even in conversation, I'm constantly monitoring what I say and really hoping that I won't say something offensive. If it is something I've only recently found out that I do which is not socially acceptable, it's even harder to monitor and I kick myself every time I get it wrong, because I know that I'm supposed to be monitoring myself for this kind of thing, and yet I still got it wrong! I feel really bad about it.
Back to those emails: this is not something I enjoy. Most written communication of that nature involves considerable anxiety as I'm writing it, then continued stress as I wait for a response and to find out just how bad it was and how much apologising and explaining I'm going to have to do in order to not stuff everything up completely. If I'm lucky, the person either knows me well and forgives me, or doesn't really know me at all and just takes it as a formal request, as appropriate to the nature our acquaintance. Or something.
So, here is a clumsy apology and request: If I have something to ask of you, please bear with me. I'm not deliberately rude. I'm not just using you for whatever favour I need to ask. I do appreciate everything you do for me, and I am not taking advantage of you just because I don't first ask "How are you?", or because I can't seem to get the conversation to flow naturally around that, even if I do remember (and I like to think that I remember to ask with reasonable consistency nowadays).
I promise that I'm doing my best to get better at it. Every time I have to communicate a request, particularly in writing (though also in spoken conversations), I am trying to improve on the last one and trying to remember advice I've had in the past on how to do it in a way which doesn't break social norms, or to remember things that I realised I did poorly, but not until after sending (much to my dismay). I'll often have a third party proof-read it for me and give advice on how it comes across and what I can do to change anything which is written particularly badly.
I will always keep striving to improve, but I still have a lot of practice to do at this sort of thing and I will often forget or trip up. Just be patient with me, and please don't take offence at my awkward attempts to be polite, because I really do want to be. I just don't always know how.
The one saving grace email has is that it allows me to read over what I just wrote and adjust it with relative ease. The first draft will usually look something like this:
>Hi Trudy,
>Could you please let me know when you're coming over to clean the cat? I really do need at least a day's notice.
>Cheers,
>Me
I'll be about to click "send" when I remember that people expect you to first enquire about their wellbeing, so I'll go back and add something to that effect. Then I'll have another read, and remember that I'm probably coming across as rude and quite demanding about having a day's notice, so I'll express my undying appreciation of Trudy's cat-cleaning services; a sentiment which, though entirely honest, does not occur to me to express when all I want is to know what time she's coming over (it's something I'd express after the cat is cleaned, or if she came over at very short notice in an emergency, or if we were talking about the last time she cleaned my cat). I might then remember that letting her know why I need a day's notice would probably help in this situation, so I'll add in something about the fact that I'm actually quite stressed over the state of my cat's coat and want to be sure I don't miss soonest possible time that she's able to use her magical cat-cleaning abilities on my feline friend.
Then, I'll probably wonder whether "Cheers" is an appropriate sign-off for this particular message and spend several minutes trying out all the different ones I can think of to see which one I think might fit best.
The end result is usually something that is either overly formal and business-like or extremely clumsy. I often manage both at once. I actually had a friend comment on how formal I sounded when I was simply asking him about requirements for getting into his line of work, as one of my students was interested in that particular career path. He was quite taken aback because it's so different to the kind of interaction he's used to having with me. I just had no idea how else to word the damned thing.
But this sort of thing also applies to more casual emails were I'm just catching up with someone. I usually just end up mimicking whatever style they use (extremely awkward if I'm sending the first email, because I have nothing to mimic!). They use a lot of smilies? I'll use a lot of smilies! They use a lot of exclamation marks? Well, so will I! It seems to work reasonably well...
Back to my overly formal emails: a big part of my problem is that I really do jump straight to the point. It isn't that I don't actually care about how you are today, it isn't that I don't appreciate what you do for me. Though it may seem otherwise (particularly if you are unfortunate enough to receive a "first draft"), I'm not actually trying to boss you around. I just really really REALLY suck at communicating this kind of thing. It does not come naturally, as you may have noticed if you've ever received any email from me or watched me write one.
I don't think I'm much better at any other form of communication, really. I talked about this in an earlier entry (no idea where it is, so I can't link to it), but my natural order of communication is to first get to the main point of what I wanted to say, then get on with social stuff. Business before pleasure, or something. This is the reverse to what most people seem to do in polite conversation and it means that, either way, it's likely to be awkward for one of us. Even in conversation, I'm constantly monitoring what I say and really hoping that I won't say something offensive. If it is something I've only recently found out that I do which is not socially acceptable, it's even harder to monitor and I kick myself every time I get it wrong, because I know that I'm supposed to be monitoring myself for this kind of thing, and yet I still got it wrong! I feel really bad about it.
Back to those emails: this is not something I enjoy. Most written communication of that nature involves considerable anxiety as I'm writing it, then continued stress as I wait for a response and to find out just how bad it was and how much apologising and explaining I'm going to have to do in order to not stuff everything up completely. If I'm lucky, the person either knows me well and forgives me, or doesn't really know me at all and just takes it as a formal request, as appropriate to the nature our acquaintance. Or something.
So, here is a clumsy apology and request: If I have something to ask of you, please bear with me. I'm not deliberately rude. I'm not just using you for whatever favour I need to ask. I do appreciate everything you do for me, and I am not taking advantage of you just because I don't first ask "How are you?", or because I can't seem to get the conversation to flow naturally around that, even if I do remember (and I like to think that I remember to ask with reasonable consistency nowadays).
I promise that I'm doing my best to get better at it. Every time I have to communicate a request, particularly in writing (though also in spoken conversations), I am trying to improve on the last one and trying to remember advice I've had in the past on how to do it in a way which doesn't break social norms, or to remember things that I realised I did poorly, but not until after sending (much to my dismay). I'll often have a third party proof-read it for me and give advice on how it comes across and what I can do to change anything which is written particularly badly.
I will always keep striving to improve, but I still have a lot of practice to do at this sort of thing and I will often forget or trip up. Just be patient with me, and please don't take offence at my awkward attempts to be polite, because I really do want to be. I just don't always know how.
