Low self-esteem

I keep going over my weight-maintenance calorie level, according to my food diary. I hate myself.

I know I should just be happy with my body no matter what, but the fact is that I'm not. I liked being a size 12, as that is the healthiest I've ever felt. I hate seeing what I see in the mirror at the moment. There are just bits which aren't looking they way they do in my mind (but they did look like they should last time I was a 12, which is when I was 22).

At the moment I'm wearing jumpers, even when it's too hot, just to hide the bit of belly protruding when I sit down. I'm also constantly beating myself up for my lack of exercise, even though I know that I can't do much about it right now without collapsing (I suspect low iron levels are the culprit), AND I'm trying really hard not to guilt myself over the fact that I'm about to cost us over $3000 for a unit of Physics at uni, which isn't including any textbooks I may need to buy.

I just need to relax. That's all. I'm just not very good at it any more.

People confuse me.

I don't expect my students to be particularly self-aware. I don't expect my yr7 kids to be able to figure out on their own why they reacted to a situation in a particular way or the roots of their issues and all that sort of stuff. I expect to spend a lot of my time on behaviour management and trying to get them to think about their behaviour, where it comes from, how it affects others and what they should do about it.

I even expect to do this with yr10 students, though to a lesser extent.

I don't expect to have this kind of immaturity from adults. It isn't something I have to deal with particularly often or even directly, but when people behave in ways which clearly show that they know absolutely nothing about themselves, it seriously weirds me out.

I just expect that someone over the age of about 22 will have themselves more or less figured out. That they will understand their preferences, and at least be able to stop to think about their behaviour and figure out why it's right or wrong, both as far as they and others are concerned. I expect them to be able to outline what they want to do differently, and at least ask for help with it if not actually come up with and implement steps to do so.

I understand that people's priorities change as they get older, but there should be no great "surprises" in terms of your character or your values if you're approacing 30. You may reveal something that is a surprise to others, but it shouldn't be a surprise to yourself.

And no, I'm not talking about anyone who is likely to read this blog or know someone who reads this blog. At least, not as far as I'm aware. No pun intended.

I guess I just expect professionals to be professional.

STOP TINKERING YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE

I wish the department of education would get its shit together.

Last year, the money for the computers in the new buildings never arrived. So the existing computers got shared around between all the buildings, leaving all of us woefully under-resourced.

Now, they've taken away all the PCs becaue some of the students are getting laptops (in week 3), and apparently the new wireless (which also arrives in week 3) means that the system can't cope with as many ethernet cables. So they've also taken away all the staff ethernet cables, too. Because the Wireless WILL NEVER STUFF UP AGAIN. Right.

The past few days, the school network hasn't been able to cope with sites that are external to the school. It is SLOW. Which means we're even more limited in what we can do. Apparently the wireless is slow because the department techs are remotely tinkering with it to make it work better, and it was supposed to be finished before school started.

WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR THEM TO GET ANYTHING DONE PROPERLY AND IN THE CORRECT ORDER.

I'm just baffled. Utterly, utterly baffled.

I think "baffled" is my word of the week.