Thoughts on friendship

[nimthiriel]

I've been thinking a lot about the qualities I value in my friends, and decided to post them up here.



A friend is not a sycophant.

Many people don't seem to know the difference between being supportive and pandering. They are not the same. A friend can keep you from crashing while at the same time slamming you straight back to reality.  One of my closest friends has done this for me at least once and I'm eternally grateful to him.

Friends don't have to agree on everything.

I've had some of the most lively arguments with people and then in the next breath went back to cheery joking around and having fun. We're able to do this because the friendship is strong enough to withstand even the most polar disagreements. We know that, just because we disagree so passionately on one subject doesn't mean that we can't agree on other things or get along in other ways. 

You feel safe with your friends.

Feeling safe around someone doesn't come from them agreeing with everything you say and always telling you that you're right. It comes from knowing that they want what's best for you, even when they tell you that you're wrong about something. 

Your friends help you to grow as a person.

Tied to all the above points. A true friend is someone that can make you look at yourself and see what's really there, and what you could be. They will also help you become everything that you could be. This may involve confronting some truths about yourself and the way you think, but it will ultimately be to your benefit.




I have a lot of people around me that I admire a great deal because they fit at least one of the criteria above. The people I value most are those who will push me to be the best that I can be, and point out where I can improve. They are people I can learn from.  I have the utmost respect for these people and value them more highly than I can possibly express. You guys know who you are.

Comments

[originaluddite.livejournal.com]

I aspire to act on the first quality you list but find it difficult. I am one of those conflict averse wimps. Ironically I have more confidence in some scenarios arguing with a total stranger than I do with a friend.

In the cases that I do provide critical support to a friend it tends to be only the closer ones (because you can trust that your criticism will be taken in the right way) and tends to be done in person (because of the ability to more effectively decide how to behave). There are lots of times I would _like_ to say more on-line (because I see lots of misconceptions expressed) but hold back. This is just me agonising now over whether I can do more even if it is on-line.

[taiba.livejournal.com]

What I find most difficult about arguing in person is that it takes me time to get my thoughts in order.

I tend to fumble because I have about 50 things going through my head at once and I need a minute to sort them :-p

[originaluddite.livejournal.com]

Yes the written word is fantastic for composing coherent statements (assuming one looks them over before sending) and I love it for (say) political arguments. But personal stuff?

What I loose in eloquence is more than compensated for by the ability to make instant judgements of responses. And if I can talk in a slow and even tone or pull a compassionate expression or hold a hand then some difficult 'home truth' will be so much more palatable.

[taiba.livejournal.com]

See, for me it's different. If I don't have that time, I risk being extremely blunt and, as a result, rude.

Written word allows me pause to examine whether what I thought to say was polite, and if not then I have time to rephrase it so that it can be.

In real life, these pauses can often result in me not saying it at all because by the time I've sorted it out the point has passed.

The only person with whom I feel comfortable enough to say "wait, I need time to sort these thoughts out" is rocccondilrinon, because we've discussed my problems with eloquence quite often and he knows how my mind works :-p

[originaluddite.livejournal.com]

Everyone has methods that work best for them. I admit that with on-line methods the ability to stretch a conversation over time helps with dissipating emotions and clarifying thoughts (and even words- right now I checked the definition of 'expansive').

One thing I do a lot is internally practice what I might say (like some dag in a movie) if the chance arises. Have done this a lot recently because two young friends (nobody you know) have ended a relationship and I feel I have 'been there done that' more than they have and want to offer my (supposedly) worldly perspective.

I have talked with the more expansive of the two but the more reserved one may well never discuss it with me. Which has left me a bit deflated simply because I now have this need to say these things which has nothing to do with what they may need.

I suppose what I am slowly accepting is that the majority of things I think will never escape the confines of my skull because there is never sufficient time (but that is another topic).